I was standing alone in the dark looking for someone to pull me out of that gloomy background. Sad to say, nobody notices what I’m going through, for my frequent smiles and stinging jokes veil every pain and loneliness which envelopes my whole being. For me the light never comes in, but to the people around me, everything seems very normal, and despite my constant failures, everybody thinks I’m easily getting over each mistake.
I tried to. But I can’t.
Those were the times when my productivity was never in its finest. Half-finished works, half-felt smiles, and lesser words from my lips are just some of the evidences that I am not really doing well. I thought, during those days, that every failure I made is a sign of my incurable incompetence and stupidity. I despised myself sorely, I hated myself for not doing excellently, scolded myself for being foolish, and constantly blame myself for every shortcomings. I lost a major fraction of confidence in my whole being, and believe it or not, no amount of encouragement even from the closest of my friends can lift me up from the fall. No one helped me emotionally. I’ve neglected any help even before they arrive, and so I turned miserable inside.
Thinking I’m worthless made my nights drowned with muffled tears and silent curses for myself. I was up until the dawn, asleep half the day, performing ill in my job, and out of my mind in a few seconds. Yet no one notices. That’s when I thought that I’m really worthless, because nobody cares.
Then it hit me.
Did I ever included them to the people who’ll know what I am up to? I thought, nobody cares, because I didn’t try telling them about my feelings. Of course nobody will react if I maintain a poker face amid all my emotional issues…
But I was too shy to tell anyone. Too embarrassed to admit that I’m being so naive and helpless and childish and all. But after some time, I pulled a great chunk of courage and told someone about the things I felt inside me, in the most bitter way possible. I was crying while telling that person everything I’ve been keeping in my chest. Guess what he did. He gave me the worst sermon ever. Worst in the sense that he scolded me more for my silly thoughts. He was fed up on talking to me like a baby, so he tried this new process of brushing all my girly emotions aside and presenting the scenario with solid facts so I can get back to my senses. For each point he was quite right, so I kept nodding while wiping each tear that escape from my tired eyes. I started accepting the fact that indeed, people should get on with their lives though emotions try to drag them down. I was , yes, brought back to my senses.
But still, something’s missing. I’m still depressed. I still feel I’m damn worthless.
Then someone hit me. Someone spiritually and it said:
“Why are you still alive? If you’ve got no purpose in life, then I might as well take your life from you.”
There I’ve realized that I’m still on track. I’ve got my purpose, and as long as I’m trying fervently to get to that purpose that drives me, nothing can pin me down. I’ve also realized how loved I am, and that SOMEBODY cares for me even before I learned how to care for myself. That Someone, who breathed life to me. That Someone, who allowed a person like me to exist. My existence, my name listed in the NSO, my whole being, is a giant proof that I am loved… very much loved. Being alive alone is a blessing I was chosen to enjoy, and for that my self worth increased.
And after realizing how much loved I am for being alive, I looked around me. Yes, I was not alone. My family, friends, mentors, acquaintances… everyone seem to move in a way that directs me to walk on a positive path and not into that track where all hopes and dreams are always shattered. These people reminded me that indeed there are beautiful things left in this earth to celebrate for. Their laughs, smiles, their kindness… they all add up to my self-worth points. I just can’t believe I’m worthy of knowing these wonderful people. They may be few, but these select few have always been the source of my strength and self esteem. These few reminded me that I am, yes, and still, blessed.
Thinking about these wonderful gifts: my existence, where I am today, and the people around me, are all gold coins that add up to the price of my self worth. Because of these things, I felt special. I may admit that some people have more than I had, but to compare myself with others will only be a waste of time. All I know is, I was chosen worthy of these wonderful gifts, and because of that, I never should feel sorry. More than anything else, I should be grateful.
I may still not be worthy, but these gifts have reminded me that I should not think of myself as a useless trash. I may not be perfect, but the truths laid upon me speaks of one thing: I should love myself, for He loves me.